Pain

 In need of a safe outlet, I post here.

The emotional pain I am feeling right now, is too much. Every day feels like a struggle. I "celebrated" my birthday a couple of weeks ago, and pretty well every plan I made, fell through, for various reasons, leaving me feeling alone. I then had a dinner with my parents.

We sat down at the pub, and started chatting. My mom was going on about their new condo, which hasn't even begun construction yet. I tried to get a few words in - talk about my trip this summer, talk about my plans to maybe one day MOVE to Europe - but they weren't interested, in the least. On top of this, every time I'd respond to a quesetion from my mother, she'd snap and tell me how I SHOULD have responded. I got frustrated and told her bluntlly that conversations mean I am entitled to have a response, or to ask a clarifying question. But each time I did, she'd say "That's not the answer I wanted". After 45 minutes, my mother stood up, said Screw You - loudly enough to be heard by others - and stormed off. My father, sat there not saying a word, got the bill, paid and left. I haven't heard from them since. I reached out to my sister to let her know what happened, and she has left me on unread.

I'm terrified to reach out - to ANYone - to talk about any of this. I don't know who I can trust. In a world where even my own parents can't stand me, why should anyone else care? 

I've carried this pain for a long time. A very long time. Even as a kid, I didn't feel valued by people. I try, and I try, and I TRY. I give of myself to others, consstantly. But there's no one around when I need someone, a hug, an ear. I don't even know what I want out of life anymore. Human compassion. Belonging. SOMEONE. I can't believe how empty life is, right now. Empty, and without any meaning at all.